


Je t'aime, au revoir

by cocomoraine



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019), River (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, Established Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, M/M, Reenactment of suicide, References to Depression, Romance, Unbeta'd because we live life on the wild side, Valoris, author is horrible at tagging, is that even a thing?, semi crossover, trigger warning for, yep heavy angst here y'all go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-14 16:00:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19276624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cocomoraine/pseuds/cocomoraine
Summary: "You stupid fool, idiot Valera" Boris whispered, but still loud enough for Ulana to hear. "Even in your death, you still can't stop your truth talk."(Employing the general idea of the "River" series into the "Chernobyl" universe, because why not? This time, it's not John River, it's Boris Shcherbina.)





	1. After Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Employing the idea of seeing manifests of dead people really ticked my interest, so I applied it to a character also played by Stellan Skarsgård. Sksk.  
> 2\. Unbeta-ed, any more mistakes are all mine.  
> 3\. Even if you haven't seen the series "River" (even if you totally should cause it's so good and it has Stellan in and ok I'll shut up for now) you can still understand the story. The only thing you need to know, ghost Valery, Boris is the only one who can see him, feel him, hear him etc. Even though Boris didn't know it and does not mind that tidbit of info for a bit.
> 
> Here y'all go!

The night stayed eerily silent as Valery puts on his coat.

He took his last drag of cigarette.

With eyes focused on a seemingly straight point ahead, he then went up the chair, tied the rope around his neck, closed his eyes.

And then he jumped.

 

 

***

 

_Mr. Legasov, was found dead in his apartment._

_Who?_

_Mr. Legasov. The scientist at Chernobyl. He was found dead in his apartment. The agent on watch found him._

_Cause of death?_

_Suicide. He hanged himself._

 

 

The words are all a blur on Boris' ears. The moment a KGB agent approached him, eyes downcast, with Charkov trailing behind, he knew that whatever's coming out of his mouth will leave a bad taste in his.

Charkov dispassionately delivered the news at the meeting, and answered all the queries of the General Secretary regarding the death of Valery Legasov, chief scientist of the Chernobyl commission, who then turned the tables into the whole Soviet Union, pushing for reform in the nuclear industry, and was rewarded by making his own life a prison. Rewarded by taking him away, stripping him of all his work. Erasing him from history.

Boris tried to swallow the bile rising from his throat.

He knew, deep inside him, that this was coming soon enough, the moment he stood up in that courtroom, demanded to let Valery finish his statement, the moment Valery turned to his colleagues, he knew. He knew that the system will destroy that man for speaking the truth.

Still. He didn't think it would all be enough to push Valery over to the edge. And he couldn't help but think, if it was him who drove Valery to his death in the first place.

Them talking on the bench. Valery telling him he was the man who mattered the most.  He thought that maybe his self-deprecating speech is what spurred Valery into saying the truth. Or maybe Khomyuk finally knocked her own version of sense into him.

Whatever he did, whatever power he had, he still wasn't able to save Valery from _himself._

The coughing came. Boris tried to suppress it. But it kept coming. He then stood up from the board room, exited, and kept walking up to the end of the hall.  He kept coughing into his white handkerchief. He forgot to tell Masha, his household lady, to change it into darker colored ones. He coughed until he can feel his insides churning out.

The red blotches in the pale cloth now seemed like a comfort to him.

 

 

***

 

Ulana soon found a way to make contact with him. _There is just no stopping that woman_ , Boris thought. And she did it in an innocuous Sunday morning. Right in the middle of a bustling park.

Boris was sitting on a bench, trying to find some sense in why he got out of the house today. He looked around, saw a man wearing a suit and coat, chatting a vendor aimlessly far off the sidewalk. He raised his eyes. Charkov still thinks he needed surveillance.

 _What for?_ Boris thought sourly. _It's not like I can resurrect him from the dead._

He soon finds Ulana sitting beside him. She looked quite well. Dark hair still falling up to her shoulders. Eyes firm. Her pale lips on a straight line. Her eyes soon met his.

 

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Comrade Khomyuk?"  

"Stop being nice to me. I'm not daft enough to know that the KGB will bug you, a career party man, for sitting on a bench on a warm, Sunday morning."

"Career party man hm?" Boris laughed, a pitiful one. "I don't think I'm still one."

"For one thing, you are still present in important Party functions, you retained your position, and you are not on constant surveillance."

"Hmm. And you are?"

"They can loiter all they want at the Institute. They make for an interesting sight and conference participants."

"Won't their hackles rise if they found out you are here with me?"

"Oh for goodness sake. The KGB agent following me is right there, and he still doesn't raise his gun already. Besides, what do they think we are going to do? Conspire a plan to bring down the Party?"

"The Party won't last long. They will know it, soon enough." When Boris said those words, he didn't feel any sense of dread. It just sounded like it's true. All of it.

Ulana looked at him again, but her eyes soon turned soft. And, is that tears?

 

"Boris."

Him and Ulana only managed to tolerate the presence of one another when Valery was around. But when the system took him, they were left with no choice but to learn to cope with one another.

Besides, Boris knew deep inside, Ulana is not the only one to blame for pushing Valery into the edge. He played some part in it, too.

"Boris. You're not alone."

He turned to Ulana. She looked worn, all of a sudden, as if all of her iron will finally went away.

"I was deeply saddened when I heard the news of Valery's passing. It made waves into the scientific community. Turns out, some of those monsters only want to celebrate a scientist or talk about him if he's dead."

Boris winced, but only a little. The movement triggered a series of coughing fits, which he tried to downplay, to avoid attracting the attention of the agents looking into them. Ulana put a hand on his shoulder. His coughing slowed down.

"You don't have to mourn for him alone, Boris. I am here."

"Valery wouldn't want you to sacrifice your work because of him."

"Valery would want me to find out the truth. He didn't just go away because he wanted to. He may have devised a way for the world to know the truth, even if the Party suppressed it."

"Valery is a stubborn fool. An idiotic, yet intelligent man, and has zero sense of self-preservation. Of course, he would leave a final 'fuck you' to the Party."

"He would. I just don't think he would let the truth be buried down. He insisted on changes, and when he did fix his mind into something,"

"He would not stop until he figured it out." Boris finished breathlessly. "He's a scientist, he would never stop questioning after the truth, even if it's his life on the line."

Ulana's hands then enclosed around his. "You did really know him."

Boris tried to fight back the tears. He looked upon the sky, but soon found it to be so blue. _Just like his eyes._

 

Boris then just looked into Ulana. He might appear as stiff and as composed to a spectator, yet, Ulana sees more in his face.

"You stupid fool, idiot, Valera" Boris whispered, but still loud enough for Ulana to hear. "Even in your death, you still can't stop your truth talk."

 

 

***

 

It took some persuading. Powerplay. And money.

KGB searched all of Legasov’s flat; they haven't found anything. Just a tabby cat who was soon bound for the animal shelter.

Boris took the cat. Charkov did not even bat an eyelash.   _Give the man his delusions and wants. He’s got less time to be here._

 

Boris soon found out that his power still have a use _(I am an inconsequential man, Valera)_. He used his position, and with the right posturing, money, and whispers, he and Ulana were able to go to Legasov's apartment.

They searched everything. Even those Boris think the KGB might have missed. But no, all they found were more papers, books, and Legasov's personal items.

"What if it's not here?"

"What are we looking for?" Boris sounded tired. He didn't want to be one more minute inside Valery's living space.

KGB might have already turned this place upside down, but it still carried Valery's scent.

Or maybe he's just having delusions. _Can radiation even induce hallucinations?_ He never got to ask Valery.

"Come on", Ulana interrupted his musings. "We'll try outside. Within limited vicinity."

 

 

***

 

It took them five minutes to find the side alley where Legasov throws his trash. Another minute for Boris to see the air vent. Another minute to pull it out and reveal the tapes.

"What the.." Boris stared dumbfounded at the opened stack of newspapers, the five tapes inside.

Ulana then jumped at the moment. "We can't stay here for long. No matter how much you paid those men, someone will eventually find out that I am not in my office, or you not in your study; you have to take these."

"Are you sure they are even Valery's?"

"Why would anyone leave tapes in hidden areas if that person is not Valery? Besides, both of us can tell that those tapes do not contain music."

Boris touched the tapes, hoping to feel the warmth Valery left.

A sound of newspapers interrupted his musings. Ulana wrapped the tapes again in the paper. She stood up.

"Keep these. Listen to it. But make sure no one can hear it other than you."

"These are five tapes. I can't listen to them all. You have to take some."

"I can't listen to those, Boris. Unlike you, KGB does not give me more leniency in terms of surveillance. Remember, I'm a scientist. And I got arrested back then. I don't exactly have the best record if you ask them. "

Boris took a deep breath, and then took the tapes, hiding it under his now large coat.

 

"Tell me the things I need to know."

"Take care of yourself, Ulana."

 

Ulana silently walked away, always so resolute and sure of where she would be going.

 

 

***

 

Boris sat at his study, five tapes in front of him.

 

"What am I going to do with these, Valera? Are these even yours?"

He stood, went to the bottle of vodka in the corner and poured a glass. He downed it in one go.

 

 

When Boris turned around, his breath was caught in his lungs.

He dropped the glass, it didn't shatter, but made a soft thud and rolled in the carpeted floor.

 

By the table stands a man with reddish hair, receding hairline, wearing a blue suit, the same suit he wore to the trial. He was fiddling with the tapes.

Boris stared, too dumbfounded to even alert the agent just outside his home.

 

The man spoke, slowly, with the same timbre as Boris remembers.

"You can just give them away. Give it all to people who will listen. You've known the whole story, anyway. You were there the whole time. With me."

 

The man turned. Boris wanted to faint. But his feet kept him standing.

Valery Legasov, standing in Boris' study, smiled serenely at him, ducked his head, then fixed him an impassive face.

 

 

_"Hello, Boris. It's been awhile."_

 

_tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I know. Problematic. But this concerns the HBO characters. No disrespect intended to their real life counterparts
> 
> I would like to thank all those people in the discord server for providing me with golden tags to use. Y'all are the real MVPs. 
> 
>  
> 
> should I continue?


	2. Our Own World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO characters. No disrespect intended to their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. Wow. I was moved by the support, so here is a more "wordy" update and the second saga of it all. :))
> 
> 3\. Still, unbeta-ed. Any more mistakes are all mine.
> 
> Here y'all go! 
> 
>  
> 
> (If we are fortunate,  
> we are given a warning.
> 
> If not,  
> there is only the sudden horror,  
> the wrench of being torn apart;  
> of being reminded  
> that nothing is permanent,  
> not even the ones we love,  
> the ones our lives revolve around.
> 
> Life is a fragile affair.  
> We are all dancing  
> on the edge of a precipice,  
> a dizzying cliff so high  
> we can't see the bottom.
> 
> One by one,  
> we lose those we love most  
> into the dark ravine.
> 
> \-- How We Survive  
> © Mark Rickerby)

“How?”

“Boris.”

They spent the first ten minutes staring at one another. Boris could’ve known that face anywhere. He could even see it even if he closed his eyes.But now, when he opens them.

“Boris. I’m here. And yes, before you even say it, I am still dead.”

“How did you do it?”

Valery looked lost, then continued, “Do what?”

Boris waved a hand unceremoniously, then massaged his head, “I’m delusional.”

Valery then took a step towards him, put a gentle hand on his arm, “I can assure you, you’re not. Radiation can be many things, but, inducing hallucinations, no I can tell you, it can’t.”

Boris looked at the hand on his arm, _it’s all too real, he is here, he is standing next to me, and I can feel him_. He laughed.

Valery looked taken aback, “I don’t understand.”

Boris looked at him, still with mirth, “I was thinking a few hours ago if radiation can induce hallucinations. You just answered it now, right in front of my face.”

Valery’s face first contorted into confusion. Then, slowly he spoke, “I’d always been providing the answers, you asking the questions, barking orders. At first, you didn’t even believe a single thing I’ve said.”

“But then, it all changed,” Boris interrupted him. “We learned to trust one another. We both done so much, maybe they’ll never understand it all. We’ve seen it all. How much you worked, all those things we have done and brought upon, just to save their asses then rewarding us, you, by erasing you from history.”

Valery smiled, “It’s the truth. And sometimes, the truth is not beautiful, still, we have to embrace it.”

“They did not even know the things we brought upon Chernobyl. They don’t know, Valera. That is why they all chose lies over the truth. Over you.”

“Well, they didn’t see the moon rovers.”

Boris laughed, a loud, full on laugh.

 

***

 

The KGB agent looked through the window adjacent to Shcherbina’s study. He saw the man laughing, standing up at the side of the table, his face full of joy.

The agent dismissed it, thinking maybe the bureaucrat read something funny. It can’t be helped.

_Career party men have a questionable sense of humor._

 

 

***

 

“Basically, that’s what all those tapes contain. The truth. What happened the night of the explosion, what caused it, everything. What I said on the trial. The things that people need to hear, what the state does not want them to know.”

“You really did leave a final ‘fuck you’ to the Party. Who would’ve thought.”

Valery smiled ruefully to the ground.

Boris’ smile dimmed. He knows what the tapes are for. But, the other thing.

 

 

“Why did you do it?”

Valery’s smile fell off his face.

 

 

“You still can’t say it.”

“What?”

“You haven’t figured it out. “

Boris started to feel anger. Towards the system, the world, for the radiation slowly killing him, for Valery.

“What is it that I need to figure out? You have to tell me Valera, why, you could’ve done something else, I could’ve helped you,”

“It’s morning, Boris, you have to prepare yourself for work.”

Boris looked out his window, he’s right. The sun was already shining on the horizon. Have they talked for so long?

“Valera, I.”

He turned. He is all alone.

 

 

***

 

Masha’s cooking was supposed to be good. But lately, ever since Chernobyl, Boris didn’t see the appeal of eating anymore.

“You should eat. She tried to prepare breakfast.”

“Because it’s her job.”

Valery raised one eyebrow.

“Well, you do have to eat. You have a long day ahead.”

Boris was ready to answer when something soft touched his shin. He looked down.

“I’ve wondered where you’ve been since the last time I brought you here.”

Valery also looked down. His face became swollen with emotion.

“Sasha. You brought Sasha here?”

Boris picked the cat and placed it to his lap.

“Charkov couldn’t care any less. I did. I thought it would be better than her roaming the streets or being sent to the animal shelter. Besides, she was yours.”

Boris suddenly felt a lump on his throat. He swallowed.

Valery looked at him, _softness_ , and a smile on his face.

“Boris. You didn’t have to,”

“Well, I did.”

Valery laughed through the tears.

“Can I hold her?”

Boris smiled, and then made a move to give Sasha to her owner.

“Sir?”

A woman’s voice interrupted the moment. Boris turned to see Masha by the end of the dining table, carrying a coffee pot.

“Are you trying to put the cat on one of the chairs? Let me help you, sir.”

Boris turned to his right, where Valery was sitting awhile ago. It’s now empty.

Masha hurried to pull out the chair on that side of the table. She got Sasha, and gently put her into it.

Boris needed more coffee.

 

 

***

 

Boris was inside the car, silently trying to piece everything that had happened since last night. The tapes are on his coat. He was on his way to the Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy. He needed to talk to Ulana. And fast.

“I haven’t seen her, well since the trial. She looked sad. I hoped you did offer some sort of comfort to her. I know that the two of you haven’t had the best relationship,”

“Valera. We’ve always been in contact since the trial. KGB didn’t see anything wrong with it. And yes, we did comfort one another.”

Valery turned to him, one eyebrow raised.

“Not in that manner, how could you even.”

Boris took a deep breath.

“Ulana is married. She is happily married, even though his husband had been worried sick due to the fact she was arrested by the KGB back then, and now is on constant surveillance. I’m not the kind of person who destroys peaceful relationships.”

Valery laughed, soft, _god, I lived for his smiles and laughs._

“I was joking, Boris.”

Boris stared at Valery.

“I know you will take care of her. Both of you might have argued and might not stand one another, somewhere along the line, there is something that connects the both of you, arriving yourselves into a common ground.”

“And that is you, Valera.”

Valery continued to look at Boris. Face soft, eyes unyielding. His eyes turned to the windows of the car.

“Boris, you must have figured it all out already.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand. I am not as smart as you are, Valera. Tell me what is it that you are saying.”

Boris was nearly hysterical, he didn’t like not knowing the answers. He didn’t like being in the dark. That is why he clung to Valery the moment he started rattling off facts back then at Chernobyl. He’s the light that outshone the dark the Party is keen on throwing everyone into.

 

 

***

 

“Sir.”

“Sir!”

Boris startled. He turned to look at his driver. The man looked back at him, eyes wild, varying stages of concern and alarm ran through his face.

Boris took a deep breath, mentally tried to compose himself. Turned a stern look at his driver.

“What?”

“We’re here, sir. Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy.”

The man then immediately went down to open the door for him.

Boris went out of the car, fixed his suit, and walked ahead.

He didn’t see how his driver looked at him.

 

 

***

 

“Of course. These will spread like wildfire. I’ll make sure of it.”

Boris looked at Ulana. Despite everything that has happened to them at Chernobyl, her being arrested by the KGB, the trial, _Valery’s suicide_ , Ulana still have the determination she had back then, when she marched into the room, demanding to be taken by the highest possible authority.

“Scientists can be hard-headed and steadfast.” Valery stood next to him, face impassive, yet there was warmth in his eyes. Possibly, by seeing Ulana again. “It’s like a requirement for the job.”

“You have to be careful. And I apologize for putting this burden into you. It’s not like I can just pass around tapes containing records of a man the Party is keen on erasing while inside the Kremlin.”

Ulana gave him a small smile. “Yes, yes, I know.” She looked fully into him. “How are you holding up?”

He was torn between telling her, no, she could easily dismiss it. She’s a woman of science after all. _Do scientists even believe in apparitions or manifests_? He would never know.

“I’m fine.”

Ulana gave him a stern look.

“I will be fine. I have to keep working. No need for the KGB to find out I can’t function properly because of his death. Not a good record for them.”

Ulana smiled, albeit little, “Well, we’re not exactly the model citizens for them. But I can understand where you’re coming from. They don’t need more ammunition than they can possibly get.”

Boris looked at her. Sometimes, he wished he could’ve met her outside of Chernobyl. Maybe he would appreciate her stubbornness, her abrasiveness, her wit, a little more. Without the initial hostility.

Of course. The three of them, him, Ulana, Valery. They are all pawns brought together by a tragedy. Chernobyl.

It would stay until they are dead.

“Please be careful. Do your best.”

Ulana took his hand and squeezed it. The KGB agent outside her office just continued to impassively watch the hallway.

“We can’t bring him back, we all lost him, Valery. But the least we can do is to honor his memory, up to the best we can, and resurrect him from the ashes the Party put him into.”

She immediately stood up, and the five tapes, covered with massive textbooks, she was able to escape the prying eyes and started to put those inside a code-locked cabinet.

“I will start to distribute these later this afternoon.”

“That early?”

“Well, a revolution does happen overnight, can it?”

Valery smiled. He put a hand into Boris’ shoulders.

“Now you see why I liked her so much.”

“More than you ever liked me?”

 

“I’m sorry, I missed that. What did you say?” Ulana stood up, and looked at Boris.

“Nothing. I need to leave. Good day, Ulana.”

The KGB opened the door for him, and he walked into the hallway as briskly as he arrived.

Ulana looked from the doorway, watching Boris’ back. Her face was concerned.

As to how she would look to all those plant workers she interviewed back then at Hospital No. 4, in Moscow.

 

 

***

 

The meetings just don’t stop coming. Boris was in his office when his secretary told him he was needed for the General Secretary’s emergency meeting.

“What it is even about?”

“I’m sorry sir, the General Secretary did not say.”

He stood up and walked. “I’ll be there. Just give me a few minutes.”

His secretary walked away, leaving the door opened. Boris grabbed some papers, and then a pen.

“I was right with what I said, Boris. You’re not an inconsequential man. You are still their most valued career party man.”

“Nonsense, everything you’ve just said.”

“Excuse me?”

Boris turned to see his secretary, having an expression of shock and mock hurt.

“I was not talking to you.” Boris closed his eyes, and raised his hand to massage his head. He was definitely getting out of hand.

He walked past his secretary and went on to meet the still most powerful and influential men in the Soviet Union.

His secretary was left dumbfounded.

 

***

 

Ulana was then remembering how Valery’s voice sounded like when he talked to Boris, and how Boris’ voice also changed when he talked to the scientist, when she finally saw out the corner of her eye the man in question walking out of the building.

“Comrade Shcherbina.”

The agent walking alongside Shcherbina immediately held an arm between the two of them, preventing Ulana from getting closer to him.

Boris raised a hand. Even the agent knows than to go against the Deputy Prime Minister.

The agent slowly backed away until he was out of earshot.

“What do you need, Comrade Khomyuk.”

“I have to talk to you. It’s about a project our institute is having, it consisted of five stages, and the fifth stage needs approval from you, as it may need some seeing to especially on some legal concerns arising from it.”

Boris raised his eyebrow. “Come with me, we can discuss it at my study back at home. I need to return home early. My head is uncooperative today.”

Ulana looked concerned for a moment, then tried to downplay it, “Are you alright?” she asked in an undertone.

“I’m fine. We better talk about this later.”

The driver proceeded to open the door for him.

“Comrade Khomyuk is coming with me. There is something she needs to discuss regarding the fifth stage of a study they are conducting, certain legalities need to be reviewed.” He addressed it to the KGB agent who is now walking towards them.

Ulana and Boris then went inside the car and drove away.

 

 

***

 

Charkov was watching the exchange from a distance. The KGB agent approached him and whispered what Shcherbina said before he left with Khomyuk.

Charkov only raised an eyebrow.

He then turned around and walked away, his shoes making a dull echo on the carpeted floors of the Kremlin.

 

***

 

Boris was calmly looking at the newspaper in his lap, not entirely reading it when Valery suddenly spoke up.

“Both of you doing conversations in code, why, you two have come so far from bickering and nearly biting each other’s heads off.”

“Really, Valera, all of us here are civil people. No need to result to name calling and childish antics. Besides, we both cared for you so much.”

Sasha sauntered into the room, meowing at Boris. He then petted the cat, and let her push her face into his hands.

“I think he misses you. Very much.”

“Does she?”

“You of all people should understand that when you died, you also left some people behind.”

Valery looked taken aback, but otherwise didn’t say anything.

Boris took that as his cue to continue. “I can’t just think, you would do this, Valera. I think I understand it, but still, you could’ve done, you could’ve asked, you could’ve,”

Valery instantly flared to life, like when he convinced Boris not to fly over the open reactor.

“I could’ve done _what,_ Boris. Do you really think, if I begged, they would give everything back, that suddenly, I can talk to you again, that I can see you or Ulana again, that they would understand what I’ve been through?! Do you think they will understand how am I feeling, how much I wanted to change everything, _everything_! Boris, you of all people should know how this system works, and how impossible is for me to ask them to bring back everything I’ve lost.” He then turned to look at Boris, tears in his eyes.

“I am gone now, Boris. No one can bring me back to life. I am already dead. It’s my choice.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to accept it.”

“No!” Boris stood up, scaring Sasha away. The cat fled the room, eventually sensing the tension.

“No! I can’t. I cannot accept it.”

“The KGB agent saw my body, Boris, you’ve read the report. You may not have attended my funeral, they didn’t even organize one, they just buried me away,”

“How did you know that?”

“That was the subject of your meeting with Gorbachev awhile ago! I was in that room all day, I am with you all day Boris!”

Boris put his head in both of his hands, then turned to look at Valery.

“I cannot accept the fact that you are dead. I just can’t.”

“Why not? It all happened now, Boris. There is nothing you can do to change it.”

“Because I can’t accept the fact that _I am the one who killed you, Valera_ ! I was the one who gave the final push for you to tell the truth during the trial! I am the one who swore to protect you from them, from the KGB, from all of them. But in the end, I am the one who essentially sentenced you to a life prison! I am the one who lead you to your death, Valera! And until now, I can’t accept it. I can’t accept that I _killed someone I cared for so much._ ”

Boris finally broke down, releasing all the tears he was holding since the moment the agent told him of Valery’s death, Charkov telling it during the meeting, when he held Valery’s cat in his arms for the first time, when he and Ulana found the tapes, since then, he began to release it all.

“I am so sorry, Valera. I did this to you, I did this to us.”

He stood there, brokenly crying, alone.

 

 

***

 

Ulana was less ruffled when she finally drank tea in the safety of Boris’ kitchen, even with Boris leaving him alone, citing a need for fresh air.

She was nearing the door to Boris’ study when he heard raised voices.

No. Just one voice.

She saw then, something she never thought she would see in her entire existence.

He saw Boris arguing with thin air, screaming words of frustration. It’s like as if he is talking to Valery.

But Valery is not there. Valery is gone.

“But in the end, I am the one who essentially sentenced you to a life prison! I am the one who lead you to your death, Valera! And until now, I can’t accept it. I can’t accept that _I killed someone I cared for so much._ ”

And he saw Boris, finally, crying.

Reduced to a broken man, who lost his friend, further born down by radiation sickness.

“I am so sorry, Valera. I did this to you, I did this to us.”

Ulana felt her heart break. She was feeling a mixture of bewilderment, _why is Boris talking to someone who is not there?_ Sadness, _Boris is hurting so much, he lost Valera the most._ Afraid, _what is happening to Boris? Is this because of the radiation? I don’t know what to do._

Her feet decided for her. She slowly walked inside the study, Boris now reduced on the floor, kneeling, brokenly asking for forgiveness from a man who is not there anymore.

She kneeled by his side and took him inside her arms.

“Boris.” _softly_

Boris, tear-stricken eyes, looked at Ulana.

“What’s going on, Boris?”

“He’s here yet, I still can't reach forgiveness.”

“Who?”

“Valera.”

And Boris continued to sob into her chest. Ulana, left with more questions than answers, just held onto him tighter.

 

***

 

Valery watched the broken picture Ulana and Boris made. His heart ached the most for Boris, his friend, his rock, the most powerful man Valery ever known, reduced to tears, all because of him.

He slowly walked to both of them, kneeled, and tried his best to enclose both Ulana and Boris.

_I’m sorry. Forgive me, Borya._

 

 

***

 

Boris felt a warm hand on his shoulder, yet, he can’t make the tears stop falling, so he just let them. Maybe, he thought, if I cried more now, this emptiness, this regret, this sadness, will all just go away.

Ulana felt something cold around her. Near her shoulder. She just then shrugged it off as cold air emanating from the hallway. She held onto Boris, slowly, the reality of it all sinks into her brain.

Valery Legasov is now dead. But the truth will not be buried alongside him.

 

 

_tbc_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I’m delusional.”
> 
> \--go to the infirmary then, Boris.
> 
>  
> 
> Sksks. Can't help it. Anyway, I named Valery's cat Sasha based on the last fic I read featuring the same character. I can't remember which one is it, sooo, thank you for the idea anyway! hihi. 
> 
> I have to actually google if radiation can induce hallucinations, wow, the level of dedication I have with this fic, I wish I can also apply it during my studies to finally get a degree, lol.  
>  
> 
> I hope Boris didn't become too OOC, I just wanted to touch upon his grief and emotions especially around Valery's suicide. It's always a fascinating subject for me.
> 
> Honest constructive criticisms are appreciated. Please tell me what you think! :)


	3. To dance with my love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Again, this concerns the HBO characters. No disrespect intended towards their real-life counterparts.
> 
> 2\. I need to get everything out of the system so I can study in peace. Sorry, licensure exam is coming, I need to take it seriously, for a better future etc. 
> 
> 3\. Now, finally beta'd by the amazing Igraine_smiley on A03, all my thanks and appreciation for her! :)
> 
> The final saga is here, don’t worry, I think this fic only has mild pain so. 
> 
> Here y’all go!

 

“How long have you been seeing each other?”

 

Boris smiled, in other circumstances, the question may have sounded amusing, but after having a breakdown, he wasn't sure how the question should be taken as.

 

He wasn't sure of anything at all.

 

Ulana looked at him, the softness never leaving her eyes. _She cried a lot_ , Boris thought. He sometimes became too eclipsed by his own grief, that he forgot that he wasn't the only one who lost Valery.

 

Now they were both sitting face to face with a bottle of vodka and two glasses on the table between them. Boris didn’t know how long they spent on the floor, weeping for a man he never fully understood, yet, he trusted with all his life.

 

“It started just a few nights ago when we found the tapes. I think he wanted for us to find them.”

 

“And to make sure they got out in the open. They already did. It’s starting.”

 

Boris drank another glass and looked at Ulana.

 

“That was fast.”

 

Ulana smiled, even if it never reached her eyes. “News travels fast. And scientists, well, people are generally more interested to hear what a dead man has to say.” She then also drank a glass. Her eyes remained downcast when she began to throw questions at Boris.

 

“Have you been seeing him at random times and places, no matter the occasion, or who is present?”

 

“Yes. Well, except when I’m sleeping if I even sleep at all anymore, and when I am taking a bath and changing my clothes.”

 

Ulana smirked.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. I think he’s giving you some sort of privacy, even if I bet all of my credentials that he is just embarrassed on how he is going to react if he saw you naked.”

 

Boris fixed her with a death glare through the alcohol and the crying may have dampened its intimidating effects.

 

“We’ve been close since we got sent to Chernobyl. I doubt he’d still embarrassed seeing me naked.”

 

“I’m sure he would.”

 

“Let me tell you, Boris,” Valery interrupted smoothly, standing at his right “she doesn’t know how I feel about this. She has no idea. She wasn’t there. Besides, why the need to see you naked?”

 

“Why indeed, Valera?”

 

Valery laughed, a small one, yet a laugh nonetheless. “I don’t know, stop that.”

 

“Stop, what?”

 

“You’re teasing me. Stop it.”

 

“I thought you liked being teased, Valera.”

 

“I cannot believe you!”

 

“That was a perfectly innocent statement. Why would you respond like that?”

 

“I didn’t! You were the one who thought that!”

 

“I didn’t know you have it in you; who would’ve thought there is a blushing maiden under all that knowledge.”

 

“Shut up, Boris.”

 

Boris laughed, then, his smile fell when he saw Ulana looking, an imperceptible _grimace_ upon her face.

 

“Interesting.”

 

“You think I’m going insane or that I already am.”

 

“I’m no mind reader nor a psychologist, Boris. It’s not within my purview to say that to your face. Of course, it is also hard to believe what you’ve just told me a few moments ago.”

 

“Are you not a religious person, Ulana? Don’t you believe in things such as an afterlife?”

 

“Living here does not really make someone religious.”

 

“Yes. You are very right on that one. Cheers to that.” Boris poured more into his glass chugging it again in a single shot.

 

“Slow down, Boris.” Valery chastised.

 

“You’re the one to talk, lightweight.”

 

Valery actually looked scandalized. “Let me tell you, that being a professor at an institute-“

 

“Shhhh shhh, Valera, I’ve heard that story from you like a million times.”

 

“The fact you just said million makes it statistically impossible-“

 

“Fine. You can handle liquor but not as much as me.”

 

“You just like stroking your own ego.”

 

Ulana snorted.

 

Boris looked at her.

 

“Crazy person, I know. I only got a few years to live and sometimes, or maybe all the time, I don’t even give a damn anymore.”

 

Valery’s face instantly switched emotions.

 

Ulana looked at Boris, softness still in her eyes. “I cannot really say, Boris. The only thing I can do for you and Valery is to make sure that his words won’t be buried under endless lies. Nothing will change. That is still our primary goal.”

 

“Are you going to leave me into my delusions, Ulana?”

 

Ulana took another glass of vodka. “If there is one thing I can say is that I know that you are not delusional.”

 

“How come?”

 

Ulana smiled. “Your voice. Your tone. It has always been the same. I’ve observed it back then.”

 

Boris looked down to then he met Ulana’s eyes again.

 

“He will not die in vain.”

 

Ulana faced him, the iron returning to her eyes again. “He will not.”

 

***

 

It was nearing midnight when Ulana left. Of course, Boris has to straighten everything up in the morning. There were so many things happening, the KGB breathing down their necks was a disadvantage. They didn’t need more ammunition, Boris remembered what Ulana said.

 

He returned to his study, intending on fixing papers and devising a way to cover up what happened tonight when Valery’s voice filtered in through his senses.

 

“I didn’t realize you talked differently when it comes to me. I guess, with all the things happening at Chernobyl, I…”

 

“Valery.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You don’t have to explain anything.”

 

Valery looked confused.

 

“You have a lot on your mind. Focusing on a career party man should be the last on everyone’s mind, I doubt it should be even on someone’s mind.”

 

“I did focus on you. Most of the time.”

 

Boris hands stilled its movements.

 

“You were my rock, Boris. You were the one steady thing in the storm that was Chernobyl. You were there from the beginning. You were there until the end-“

 

“I wasn’t.”

 

Boris soon found his tears welling up and Valery’s face softened.

 

“I wasn’t there when it all became too much. I was not able to save you from them, Valera. Truthfully speaking, I was not there when you ended it all.”

 

Valery was standing so close to Boris that in an instant, he could put his hands on Boris’ shoulders. The closeness was intoxicating for Boris and he accepted it willingly. If he was dreaming, he didn't want to wake up.

 

Valery caressed Boris’s cheek.

 

“I’ve never blamed you for anything Boris. Even in my last moments, I never did. I cannot do that to you. Some people are to blame for the tragedy that happened at Chernobyl. But not you, Boris. Never you.” And then Valery wrapped his arms around him. Boris holds tighter to Valery. As if suddenly, he will become solid, he will become _alive_ , he will become _real._

 

“I’m so sorry, Valera.”

 

“Shh. Borya, I’m here.”

  


Boris was hugging the air, in the middle of his study, on a cold night in Moscow.

 

***

 

_For he didn't deserve prison, he deserved death._

 

_A just world was a sane world._

 

_There was nothing sane about Chernobyl._

 

"We have a situation."

 

Gorbachev tried to remain impassive, but he knew what was coming next would break through anyone’s calmness. Including his.

 

"There are tapes, tapes seemingly recorded by Legasov before his death, and now are being circulated among the scientific community. The primary source cannot be pinpointed, as it was reproduced and copied more than a few times over."

 

"Like a spiderweb," Gorbachev commented. He looked put out, but then looked daggers to Charkov.

 

“You didn’t know about this?” Charkov managed to look unruffled. Boris stared at him, with all the hatred he could muster.

 

“We are still trying to pinpoint the source or the people involved in spreading the tapes but as of the moment, it stretched too far. And a lot of scientists are now pushing for reforms on the RBMK reactors.”

 

“Has any of them spoken to foreign press?”

 

“The news of Legasov’s death still hasn't reached outside our borders yet, sir.”

 

“Well, the scientists will not stay put, some of them may have already spread the word of Legasov’s death. Once that happens, things will spiral out of control.”

 

Boris’ hands balled into fists under the table. _How can they talk of him like that? That man prevented a wide-scale nuclear disaster! Large enough it can cover any of your asses anymore._

 

Valery stood silently next to Boris. “They never liked me, anyway, whether dead or alive.”

 

Boris turned to him with a harsh whisper, “Do not even go down their level, Valera.”

 

Charkov sharply turned to Boris. “Anything valuable you would like to share with us, Comrade Shcherbina?”

 

Boris looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Gorbachev looked at him, as if he is so worn down by everything, and Boris was the one who can all make it go away.

 

That was when the coughing fit started. Boris tried to swallow it down to avoid giving Charkov the satisfaction of having the last word. He turned to give him a murderous look. “I am sure" he coughed "that the KGB has more interesting information" another cough" to deliver regarding this. You’ve known all of our movements" the coughing only got louder "you were the one who was supposed to keep us in line, weren't you?” The coughing fit only got worse from there.

 

“Please excuse yourself, Comrade Shcherbina.” Gorbachev looked at him with…  was that _pity?_

 

Boris stood up giving a final snarl to Charkov. He nodded to Gorbachev and walked out of the board room.

 

Gorbachev watched him leave, then ducked his head.“He’s getting worse.”

 

Valery watched Boris all this time, his eyes bearing some unspoken emotion.

 

***

 

Boris stood by the window, watching people come and go outside the Kremlin.

 

“It’s one thing for me to die due to radiation sickness than seeing a person you care about dying because of it”

 

“Is that why you killed yourself, Valera? Because you couldn't live in this prison of a system anymore? Or  because you didn’t want the radiation to have the last say?” Valery’s face remained stoic. Yet the words that came out of his mouth were laced with emotion.

 

“Why are you so desperate to know the reason why? Is it because you want to calm your own guilt? To clean your hands of my blood? Tell me, Boris, why is it so important for you to know why I did what I did?”

 

Boris turned to Valery, a storm of emotions clouding his face. “Because, at this time, at this point, with everything that has happened, I cannot keep up, Valera. It’s like there are still things I haven’t understood about you, about Chernobyl. It’s like, I am not even sure I knew you at all.”

 

“Did it truly matter if you knew me well, Boris?”

 

“You’ve known me so well, Valera. You always did.” Valery stepped closer to Boris, his hand imprinting a brand on Boris’s suit.

 

“Maybe, I didn’t. Maybe I did. Who knows? I will continue on caring about you, anyway.”

 

“Valera, I-“

 

“Interesting day to be left with our own thoughts, isn’t it, Comrade Shcherbina?” Boris turned to see Charkov, slowly approaching him. It looked like the meeting finally concluded. Boris missed the final minutes of it. _Good. He didn't want to spend another minute in there. All of them were talking like Valera never existed. Those ungrateful bastards._

 

“Are you talking to the radiation, Comrade Shcherbina? Trying to slow it down, or begging it to go away?”

 

Boris glared at him, if looks could kill, Charkov would be a bloodied mess on the carpet floors of the Kremlin right now.

 

“Nothing to say? You seem to have no problem talking like you knew everything and being borderline rude to me and to other Party officials back at the boardroom. Is it because the General Secretary is there to vouch for you? No one to clean up after the mess you made? Or the fight is all gone from you or maybe because this time you have something to do with it? Because this time, I am right?”

 

“These past few days, you’ve been talking with Khomyuk. We are grateful enough to leave you both unbugged, because that may sound extreme to some higher authorities. You are one of those higher people. Khomyuk, I could just bug her whole house, we have every right to do so, but we didn’t. Because you would not like that, wouldn’t you? “

 

Charkov looked unbothered by Boris’ anger so he continued. “We could’ve bugged the entire residence Legasov was in, but we didn’t. Why? Because you would not like it. And we all know what happens when something you don’t like happens, it’s like even the General Secretary cowers before you, and you can get him to clean up your mess when you are angry. You are a powerful man, Boris Shcherbina, but now you are slowly losing that power.”

 

Boris then answered Charkov, “A revolution is happening, whatever Valery Legasov did, whatever he said at that trial, I can vouch for it as the truth. I was at Chernobyl. You were _not._ You haven’t seen what we saw. You don’t have radiation inside you, slowly killing you and turning your organs to useless mush when it is all over, because you were not there. If you truly wanted the truth to be dead, you should’ve just killed all those people in the courtroom that day. You should’ve just shot me in the head, or imprisoned Khomyuk. Whatever is happening is because Legasov was  right, the truth will not stay hidden, our time living in lies is ending. It’s about time we learn how to live in and with the truth.” Boris stood straighter and looked into Charkov’s eyes. “If I got something to do with this, then so be it. I am dying anyway. Besides, the match has already been lit. The revolution has finally begun, Charkov. And even us career Party men, would be powerless to stop it. Valery Legasov died as a nobody in the KGB’s eyes, but tomorrow, maybe, he'd have died to start a movement.”

 

Valery was smiling with tears in his eyes. He put a hand into Boris’s shoulder. Boris gave Charkov a final glare before walking away.

 

Valery was walking alongside Boris when he said, “Thank you, for defending my honor. I am, as what they would say, flattered. I have no words. You are right, though. What does he know? He was not even there.”

 

“Indeed.”

 

***

 

Charkov watched Boris walked away, talking to thin air.

 

“Indeed.”

 

He raised an eyebrow, then slowly turned to the man watching him.

 

_No use trying to argue or imprison a madman._

 

***

 

_To be a scientist is to be naive. We are so focused on our search for truth, we fail to consider how few actually want us to find it. But it is always there, whether we see it or not, whether we choose to or not._

 

Ulana stood, facing the press, blinding lights shone around her.

 

Her colleagues sat next to her. All determined faces, all with papers in front of them.

 

She swallowed down. _For Valery. For the future._

 

“What happened in Chernobyl was more than just a human error. We have to understand how an RBMK reactor works and how an emergency button, AZ-5, that is designed to shut the whole system down in case of power surges, acted as a detonator that night. The person who worked, and served as the chief scientist of the Chernobyl commission, Mr. Valery Legasov, delivered this testimony during a trial held in the city of Chernobyl. All of this information, is a result of his studies. He had a long scientific career and credentials  and was part of the Kurchatov Institute, we can all vouch that he was the most qualified person to lead this commission and did presented a concrete study and statement on what happened on the night of the explosion of reactor no. 4, at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant.” She glanced at her colleagues “As experts and scientists, we have sworn to study and uncover nothing but the truth, for the good of the Union, we have checked, and agreed with all the statements delivered by Mr. Legasov during the trial. Every scientific information, every step, every second, every cause and it’s corresponding effect, has been verified and vouched by scientists both from the Kurchatov Institute, and the Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy.”

 

“Mr. Legasov, recently passed away, as the local press would say but until today, you’ve never known who he truly was, and now the only thing you know is that he is dead. He was the man who lead the Chernobyl commission but the truth he said during the trial remained unknown to all, until now.” She glanced before giving the press a resolute look. It was now or never.  

 

“It’s about time you all know, what lead to the catastrophe that Chernobyl has become.”

 

***

 

_The truth doesn’t care about our needs or wants. It doesn’t care about our governments, our ideologies, our religions. It will lie in wait for all time. And this, at last, is the gift of Chernobyl. Where I once would fear the cost of truth, now I only ask: What is the cost of lies?_

 

A man now stood before the press. Eyes unblinking. The time to be blind was over.

 

“We ask now, for the Union, to consider the reforms presented today by my colleagues, and to employ them as soon as possible. More than four reactors here, are operating under the same flaw. If the Party will not address this, then what is the assurance that another event like Chernobyl, won't happen again?”

 

Ulana looked at the press, that were now talking among themselves. The man continued on.

 

“Reform for all the reactors operating under the Soviet Union. That is what we all ask and we are not going to stop until it happens. What happened at Chernobyl was horrific. We don’t need another catastrophe to happen before we finally open our eyes and change the system. The time to act is now.”

 

***

 

“A revolution can happen overnight, but it can span up to hundreds of years.” Boris turned to look at Valery, his face was illuminated by moonlight.

 

“I don’t really think this one will take that long. The Party only has few time on their hands before this leaks to the foreign press, and everything else falls into place.” He stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray.

 

“I worry about you... and Ulana.”

 

Boris looked at him. He wanted to touch him so badly. Should he?

 

“And all those scientists, men, and women fighting for reforms. I worry about them.”

 

Boris touched Valery, then slowly wrapped his arms around him putting his head under Valery’s head.

 

“Shouldn’t we worry less now? We are all going to die, anyway. Especially me.”

 

Valery looked at him, tears polling inside his eyes. He was always tearful, yet he's never broken. _Has he always been this transparent?_

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“I trust your judgment. Besides, what's the good of me living if I don’t have you?”

 

Valery laughed, a broken one, then hugged him tighter.

 

“Borya.”

 

_We never did have the time._

 

***

 

_Numerous scientists and civilians were now on a protest on the aftermath of the statement released by a group of scientists from the Kurchatov Institute and the Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy. The statement regarding the testimonies delivered by the chief scientist of the Chernobyl commission, Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, on the fatal flaw of the RBMK reactors, which lead to the explosion of Reactor No. 4 at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant._

 

_The testimonies of the late scientist have been verified by experts and pushed forward for reforms in the said reactors, as more than 4 nuclear power plants in the whole Soviet Russia alone were operating under the same flaw._

 

_Ulana Khomyuk, one of the prominent figures in the movement, was arrested last Monday morning at her office at the Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy. She was then later released due to lack of evidence and due to a direct order from the General Secretary, Mikhail Gorbachev himself. The reason as why there was a mandatory order of her to be released is still unknown._

 

***

 

_The chief scientist of the Chernobyl commission, Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, who recently delivered a standing ovation address during the convention of the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency) in Vienna, Austria, has passed away. The details surrounding the death of the late scientist were still unclear as the Soviet Union still had to release an official statement regarding the matter._

 

_The Soviet Union was now under a harsh spotlight as news of the testimony of the late scientist were released to the press years after the trial held at the city of Chernobyl. The testimony contained vital information on the flaw of RBMK reactors, which lead to the wide-scale nuclear disaster at the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant._

 

***

 

_Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers and Minister for the Bureau of Fuel and Energy, Boris Yevdokimovich Shcherbina, had yet to release another statement regarding the ongoing debate and protest movements, as the seemingly “truth” of what happened to Chernobyl was released.  As said in an earlier statement issued from the Kremlin, the Minister would remain impartial and would stand by the truth of what happened at Chernobyl. The minister had also been part of the commission organized by the General Secretary to investigate the cause of the disaster._

  


***

 

_Civilians, especially those living near active and currently operating nuclear power plants had also joined the demonstrations to push the Party to address the situation and provide a concrete plan to modify the usage of RBMK reactors in numerous power plants all over the Soviet Union. The number of people joining the protest increased each day. Police officials were trying to contain and manage the volume of people who came and joined the demonstrations in order to prevent accidents or any form of violence._

 

***

 

_The international community and the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency) has expressed the same sentiments in regards to how the Soviet Union was addressing the concerns raised about the flaws of the RBMK reactors that were currently operating in more than four nuclear power plants in Soviet Russia alone. Both have stressed the importance of an immediate action of the Soviet Union's government to safeguard and eliminate the threat posed to millions of people._

 

_The Agency also said, in line with their official statement, that if the government continued to ignore the issue, then the Agency would take the matter into their own hands._

  


***

 

_The Kremlin officially released a statement on the issue of the reforms for all RBMK reactors. The Party also stressed that every decision that was taken and would be made was for the people's safety and well-being._

 

_In line with the statement, the Party announced that it would be organizing a commission which would oversee the necessary inspections and reformations needed for all operating nuclear power plants. The commission would directly report to the General Secretary, Mikhail Gorbachev._

 

_As to the news of the late scientist Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, the Kremlin also released an official statement about the death of the esteemed scientist. Readers are asked for their discretion as the next paragraphs would deal with sensitive matters. Legasov's cause of death was suicide by hanging. The body was found in his apartment, around April 27, 1988, a day after the two-year anniversary of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power plant disaster._

  


***

 

_The first day of the inspection and active work for the commission organized by the General Secretary who would oversee the reformation project of all RBMK reactors in the Soviet Union, was starting today. It is led by the _Deputy Chairman of the Council of Ministers and Minister for the Bureau of Fuel and Energy_ , Boris Yevdokimovich Shcherbina, who had been part of the Chernobyl commission. _

 

_Some of the prominent figures appointed as members were Ulana Khomyuk, also a part of the Chernobyl commission, and the one who had led the group of scientists and nuclear experts from the Belarusian Institute of Nuclear Energy and the Kurchatov Institute into verifying and releasing the statements of late scientist Valery Alexeyevich Legasov, during the trial held at the city of Chernobyl, to the press._

 

_Numerous other nuclear experts and scientists were also appointed. The target of the commission was to be able to retrofit and fix all RBMK reactors as soon as possible for the good of the people and the Union._

  


***

 

_Safety protocols and other standards were up to be reviewed and revised by the commission. New submissions of rules and additional information has also begun and the commission would continue on the safety board review, which would later be combined to form a new ramification of the previously used protocols in Nuclear Operations and Safety Procedures. The commission would also be taking notes of the retrofitted RBMK reactors and would issue additional statements in line with the results of every inspection of all the operating nuclear power plants in the Soviet Union._

 

_The project itself would take up to 5 years minimum, to reach its end goal._

  


***

 

_The remains of late scientist Valery Alexeyevich Legasov were buried and laid to rest at the Novodevichy Cemetery, in Moscow. The Soviet nuclear industry mourned the loss of a valuable, brave, and honest comrade, who served the Union and its people, up to the very end._

  


***

 

Boris walked into the cold air of Moscow, a destination engraved in his mind.

 

A lot of work has been done, but there is still a lot left.

 

Boris walked inside, and slowly went up the stairs.

 

As he entered Legasov's apartment, he was greeted by the same scenario and things he and Ulana saw the first time they went there.

 

"Where would all your things go?"

 

Valery's eyes traveled across the room before he answered. "I don't know. Nothing really matters anyway. You can have it. Ulana can have it. It's alright."

 

Boris was now feeling a little agitated. He knew of course, that an agent followed him there, yet, he didn't care anymore. None of it mattered now. As long as he was with Valery.

 

He sensed the true feeling of finality. As if, now Valery learned that he died with a cause. That his death was not for nothing. The reforms were happening. And will continue to happen even if Boris' body finally lost its battle against radiation sickness. Still, he didn't understand. Did he truly need to kill himself to make a change? Did death really equate to making a statement?

 

"Valera."

 

Valery turned to him.

 

"I trusted you with my life."

 

"The sentiment is reciprocated."

 

Boris wanted to ask him, maybe, he could finally figure out the beautiful puzzle that was _Valery Alexeyevich Legasov._

 

"I-"

 

"Yes?" Valery looked expectantly.

 

"Why did you do it?" The smile dropped off Valery's face.

 

"You still can't say it. You still haven't figured it out."

 

"Enough, Valera. You could at least tell me why. Did you really need to die to make a statement?"

 

Valery went to his kitchen, pulled out a rope from one of the cabinets, alarming Boris.

 

"Valera..."

 

Then he pulled out a chair, stood on it and tied the rope on a secure part of the ceiling. He talked, not meeting Boris' eyes.

 

"The thing about us humans is that we are fickle things. We only understand the things, how it happened, how it made us feel, what can we learn from them, when we finally lived through it."

 

He then put the rope around his neck.

Valery looked at Boris and jumped.

 

"VALERA!!!"

 

Boris stood alone in the apartment. The air inside felt asphyxiating.

 

"The thing about suicide, Boris, is that it's not always easy to explain. "

 

Boris whipped his head to find Valery standing next to him. Looking well. Boris touched his neck. Afraid. Valery turned to face him. Soft. Understanding.

 

"I was lonely, Boris. I've always been. Before you, before Chernobyl but then you came. They said we are more than where we came from. I was determined to prove that I am more than my own loneliness."

 

Boris held Valery's face in his hands. He felt warm, _alive._

 

"Then they took it away. Everything. All I've worked hard for. They refused the truth. They chose the side of lies to save face than the lives lost the night of the explosion and the men I sent to their deaths, and all those who will continue to suffer because they've been exposed to radiation for far too long. They took it all away. I couldn't live in a life like that, Boris."

 

Boris put his forehead against Valery's. The tears finally fell from the scientist's eyes.

 

Valery was finally crying, looking into Boris with all the emotions he could express.

 

"I was so alone. The only thing I had was my work and then I met you. I met Ulana. I met a lot of good people but what did I do to them? I gave them a one way ticket to death. I brought you all down with me. I was supposed to be better than where I came from. But as it turned out, I was not. They took what I lived for, my work. My life. They took my freedom. They took Ulana. Sweet, brave, smart, Ulana. I didn't thank or even protect her."

 

"I'm sure she knows you've always mean well to her. You've been kinder and less hostile to her, back then, compared to myself."Valery laughed, tears still in his eyes. He smiled at Boris. _His friend. His rock. His Boris._  "They took you away from me. Then, they threw the truth to my face, as if it didn't value anything. They made sure I would never be remembered. I would be forgotten. Everything we worked so hard for. Wasted. Both of us dying for something they didn't think was threatening enough. I couldn't wake up knowing that after everything we did, after everything we've seen, after everything we've lost, it still didn't matter. It's not that you didn't know me so well, Borya. It's because sometimes, sadness changes people so much, and no matter how hard they tried to go back to what they were before, the sadness stays with them."

 

Boris hugged Valery tighter then he's ever had. He inhaled the scent he uniquely tied to Valery "You don't have to be sadder than you were back then, Valera." His voice was muffled by Valery's hair. "You've made a change. Ulana is here. I am here. I will never leave you again. They have to shoot me first before they can take me away from you again. _At the end of it all, you mattered, Valera._ "

 

The two men stood there, trying to mend the broken pieces of each other, by coming together, perhaps for the last time.

 

"My time here is running out, Borya."

 

Boris raised his eyes to the ceiling, silently praying to whatever deity who gave them this opportunity to be together again, despite the violent world who tore them apart. _Please. Just one more night with him._

 

"Tell me about your childhood, Valera."

 

***

 

They spent nearly an hour talking about anything, everything, whatever they set their mind on. Valery talked about his childhood. His grandmother's cottage by the mountains, how he would always go out into the fields, look for beetles and bugs or categorize plants. His youth at the Kurchatov Institute. Receiving his doctorate and finally getting the call, the call of action from one Boris Shcherbina.

 

Boris then told him about his, about working and learning the different types of concrete, getting drafted into the military, rising through the ranks, albeit by questionable morals, Valery only looked thoughtful. Being appointed as the Deputy Prime Minister and the Minister for Oil and Gas, and finally calling Valery Legasov, in that fateful morning.

 

The clock ticked. It was already one in the morning.

 

"Do you remember that one time, all of us got pretty drunk at Chernobyl? I think we were celebrating something. Was it a birthday? Ah, Pikalov's birthday." Boris laughed.

 

Valery soon joined him. "Yes, I do remember. That was also the time Pikalov graced us with his tango dancing."

 

"You call that dancing?"

 

"Well, to be fair to him, he was pretty overwhelmed with vodka at that time."

 

Boris stood up, went to a shelf, and started looking.

 

"Whatever you're looking for?"

 

"Found it!"

 

Boris held a record and then went to a table covered with books and a cloth. He put the books aside and removed the cloth. Under the mess was a record player; he put the record on, and the rhythmic beats of a tango echoed around the room.

 

He looked to Valery.

 

"How come..."

 

"Ulana and I ransacked this place for your tapes. I am impressed by your taste in music, actually. Now let me show you what dancing truly looks like."

 

Boris held out a hand to Valery. He was smiling.

 

"It takes two to tango you know, that is why Pikalov looked like an idiot."

 

Valery laughed and took his hand. He stood up and joined Boris to the center of his living room.

 

"I don't even know how to dance tango!"

 

"Then why, pray tell, you have a tango record?"

 

"My mother used to dance with my father. She taught me, but I have forgotten it through time."

 

"Then we'll figure it out together. Just like old times."

 

They spun and tapped their feet, held hands, arms, shoulders. They danced, even if their steps didn't even belong to tango. The music continued on, and Boris and Valery just danced like young men, never letting go of the other's hand. The sound of their laughter and Boris humming along to the music took over the record playing.

 

In the middle of Valery's apartment, the two men danced, and never felt more alive.

  


***

 

Ulana was supposed to see Boris about an urgent matter that could be settled in less than ten minutes of talking with him. But her interest got the better of her when she went to his residence and found out he still wasn't home.

 

Where could Boris Shcherbina has gone to? He didn't mention any urgent meeting or out of the country engagement at the meeting this afternoon.

 

And then Ulana _knew._

  


***

 

1:20 am.

 

The music was replaced by a softer, more melodious one. Boris and Valery slow danced in the cramped living room. Valery's head was resting on Boris' chest with one of Boris' hands around Valery's waist while the scientist softly held onto Boris' neck. They swayed, as if they've got all the time in the world.

 

_tick, tock, tick_

 

"Valera."

 

Valery looked to Boris. Their eyes betrayed what the men wanted to say but Boris needed him to know. He's got to tell him.

 

"I love you with my life, Valery Alexeyevich Legasov." Boris took in another breath. "I've always had. I'd never known since. Maybe it was when you told me we're going to be dead in five years, or at the helicopter when you were challenging my authority.

 

I love you, and I always will."

 

Valery smiled. A tear rolled down his cheek and Boris wiped it away with his thumb.

 

_Finally._

  


_"Now that you've finally said that, I can finally rest in peace."_

 

Valery held tighter. It was time.

 

"I've told you. You will figure it out. And yes, I love you too, with all my soul, until my last breath, Boris Yevdokimovich Shcherbina. Since the day you asked me how a nuclear reactor worked." Valery closed the distance between them.

  


***

 

Boris could feel the warmth of Valery's lips against his. Slowly the warm feeling got cold. Valery backed away, and both of them finally opened their wet eyes.

 

"Do you know what is it called when sodium attacks calcium?"

 

"No, Valera."

 

"It's called an assault."

 

"You're incorrigible."

 

Boris laughed through the tears. He could feel Valery getting cold in his hands.

  


_Finality._

  


"Are you still sad, Valera?"

 

"No, Borya. I am finally at peace."

 

Valery put his hand on Boris' cheek. Boris held onto his other hand. Both of them trying to memorize each other, for the last time.

 

 

_"Je t'aime, au revoir, Borya."_

  


"I'll always love you, Valera. You’ve always mattered. To me."

 

Boris closed his eyes. The tears felt hot against his cheeks. He felt the ghost of Valery's lips press against those tear tracks, on his nose, on his lips.

 

He opened his eyes. Slowly, Valery tugged his hand free. The one Boris was holding onto. He didn't want to let go.

 

Valery smiled, full of sweetness. _Valera, Valera._

 

Slowly, he felt Valery slipping away. The coldness returning to his hands.

  


***

 

1:23 am.

  


Boris stood alone in Valery Legasov's apartment, hand outstretched.

 

As if he was letting flowers or leaves be blown away by the wind.

  


***

 

Ulana saw the door to Legasov's apartment unlocked. She went in and she saw Boris standing right in the middle of Valery's cramped living room with a Vinyl long since over.

 

Boris stood there. Hand outstretched and with a melancholic look upon his face.

 

 _Softly, steady_ , she approached him. _Softly._

"Boris."

 

Boris snapped out of his stupor, his hand went down. He then stared at it.

 

Ulana put an arm around Boris. He touched his arms and shoulders.

 

"Are you alright?"

 

Boris looked into his hands. He felt tears in his eyes. He heard Ulana.

  
  


_Je t'aime, au revoir, Borya._

  
  


He looked up to her, a small, hopeful smile gracing his lips.

  
  


_"I am alright."_

 

_fin._

 

***

 

_But thy eternal summer shall not fade,_

_Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,_

_Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,_

_When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,_

_So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,_

_So long lives this, and this gives life to thee._

 

(C) Sonnet 18, William Shakespeare.

 

***

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I took some liberties from non-fiction, as I am a bit nitpicky and I want to make things as realistic as possible.  
> 2\. Hope they are not too OOC. I mean, grief and sadness can truly change a person, believe me.  
> 3\. I don't really know whether there are 4 nuclear power plants in Soviet-era Russia which uses RBMK reactors. Please don't use this fic as a reference for your study or as a history lesson.  
> 4\. I would also like to acknowledge everyone who is part of the Discord of Hell. (Sksks). I employed some of your ideas here, let's see if you can identify them, soo, thanks guys. 
> 
> Yup. Let's all go and drown in post-Chernobyl (and ok if you also seen River) feels, please come cry with me at the comments. 
> 
> You can shout out abuse at me here, or on Tumblr: @cocomoraine
> 
>  
> 
> Honest constructive criticism is accepted! Thank you so much y'all for being a part of my first fanfic writing journey 🎉🎉🎉.
> 
> This might be all for now, because licensure exam is calling, please pray for me and wish me luck! Paalam muna, sa ngayon! 😊 
> 
> filipino translation: Bye for now! 😊


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